Austin Powers?

I never thought I’d say this, but I have realized that I have something in common with Austin Powers.

I have, indeed, lost my MoJo.

My game, is gone. Not that I had much to begin with,but what I did have, is gone.

I think I can pin point when I lost it, which kinda sucks.  A few months ago,  I got put into an awkward position (haha double entendre). A good friend of mine called me freaking out that he thought he had chlamydia. Which as a single woman, made me freak out. I didn’t need to be worried at all, we hadn’t slept together or anything. Its one of those slap you in the face wake up calls about sex. I got worried that I had something, so I got the battery of tests.

And after waiting a week of mind numbing worrying, and no one else knowing because I didnt want anyone to find out just how easily I get freaked out about STI’s. I finally called the clinic to find out the results. As a rule, I hate calling doctors offices. So I call, and it takes them forever to find my results. They finally do and everything was ok. But for those few minutes (in all actuallity it was probably like 10 seconds) I was convinced that I had everything, and that I was knocked up. It was horrid. Thankfully nothing was wrong, and there is/was no babies (WooHoo). But it really freaked me out, I didnt want to hookup with anyone when I was on vacation, and havent really since I came back. I hate that something a guy said to me has gotten so into my head.

So now I have no game. There have been a few situations when ‘old’ me, would have tried to pick up (and been sucessfull, or at least gotten a soild make-out)  But I just couldn’t do it. He was SUPER cute, and super awesome and even looked a little like this guy I know that I have had a rediculous crush on since we met. But I just couldn’t close,  then it happened again this weekend.

Archie came to visit this weekend for one of my roommates birthdays. We spent the better part of yesterday and today together. It was awesome, we sat and drank and made fun of people on tv. Then today we had lunch together and watched TV for what seemed like forever (in a good way).  We were like a married couple without the sex (wait…isnt that married life??). NOTHING happened, like at all. His legit reason for reason was that his favorite race car driver was in a wreck in the Daytona 500.

I couldnt do it. I had no game, and I HATE that. Maybe this blog will help me get over what ever is in my head thats stopping me from trying to pick up.

heres hoping

until next time.

– be a river with me

Pants.

Pants are a hassle.

Lets face it, pants kinda suck.

Doing things pantless makes your day a little brighter. Have you ever cleaned your house without pants? Or cooked breakfast? Or paid a bill online? All mundane tasks made considerably better without pants. Why not do the simple tasks in panties or hell just a towel?

As a saftey precaution: I dont reccomend the following as a ‘pantless’

  1. cooking anything with grease involved
  2. driving
  3. leaving the house (ever locked yourself out?)
  4. answering the door, at least rock a towel for that. or a sheet.
  5. working out, unless your going solo at home. naked yoga is fun.

Things I recommend pantsless:

  1. Sex. (lets all admit that sex with pants on, not as much fun, unless your outside)
  2. Online Shopping
  3. unloading the dishwasher
  4. drinking.
  5. watching tv, ‘Parenthood’ without pants= awesome
  6. yoga. (in the privacy of your own home)
  7. dancing around your house
  8. doing your makeup. (also with this I recommend blaring some Childish Gambino)
  9. blogging/facebooking/ tweeeting… abusing any social media that you prefer.

Im sure theres more, thats all i got for now.

as Tim Haverford from Parks and Rec would say: “Treat Yo Self”

go out there, buy some nice panties that you wouldnt be embarased to be caught in (i recommend American Eagle for some cute panties that arent to expensive) or a kick ass bathrobe/dressing gown, hell you can even just buy a few cheap towels that are cute, (dollar store actually has some fun city themed towels, I have a Calgary Flames one that I LOVE). Point being: Buy your self something nice to cover your bottom half, have fun with it.

as a good friend of mine says “Everythings better without pants”

until next time

– be a river with me

Vortex’s

Every great sitcom has a few key elements for it to be successful. One of which is a common place thats not in the home of one of the characters houses. Usually its a restaurant, or bar. These places become iconic. Seinfeld had ‘Monks’, Friends had ‘Central Perk’,  Cheers had ‘Cheers’. Three HUGELY sucessful shows that all have this tie to a fictional restaurant. Current shows follow the same trend, How I Met Your Mother has ‘McLaren’s’,  Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia has ‘Paddys’ Irish Pub’, Sons of Anarchy has the bar in the clubhouse. The point being, that restaurants and bars, abiet it real or fictional have this power over us. There the preverbial ‘watering hole’.

The town that I live in sounds like a sitcom plot. Its a resort town, which on its own would be perfect for a tv show. This one has a little differnce to it. Theres alot of religious folk around, and when I say alot I mean alot. I would even hazard that over half of the company I work with would describe them selves as ‘strongly religious’. Which, is awesome, I am a firm believer that you can believe in whatever and whom ever you want, just dont try to force anything on me.

So, my town isnt your typical “Mountain Resort Town”, and for that I have to say, I’m actually pretty thankful. Typical is boring. My town, isnt.

The one good bar in town has been discribed as a ‘vortex’, you come in for a after work drink and if the servers like you, you end up staying till closing, and then going to an after party at someones cabin. I got stuck in the vortex yesterday and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I finished work early and decided to have a quick glass of wine then get home, yeah that didnt happen. I ended up staying for awhile, then getting a bottle of wine and going over to someones house. Needless to say, I came home and my roommate 1 found me asleep on the couch at midnight.

It was a great night, but I got ‘vortex’ed’. So I have developed a new stratagey to avoid future ‘vortex’ situation.

  1. Have an exit strategy ALWAYS. (I recommend smoking, pay your tab on the sly and smoke and leave)
  2. Fake a phone call, you can leave the room and gather yourself
  3. Rotate between water and booze.
  4. Dont drink out of straws
  5. NEVER think that going drink for drink someone is a good idea
  6. Use bar cues to time your consumption (as an example, if your there during a baseball game, only drink in every other inning)
  7. This is a gooder, if your willing to deal with a few pregnancy jokes, JUST SAY NO!! you can be the sober one at the bar, “Being the sober one at a bar sucks, I’m out” is a perfect get-away card, its the walker version of “Sorry, I’m the DD”.
Hope these help.
If not, buckle up
enjoy the ride
and tip your bartender
until next time,
-Be a River with me

Athlete Interviews

I will openly admit it, I love talk shows. I have my favotites that I hate to miss, but ‘real life’ usually gets in my way so I cant watch them as religiously as I would like to. In the past few years I have developed a love for Late Night talk shows, there a little raunchier then day-time and usually a little less fake. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson have to be my favorites. I find those 2 guys HILARIOUS and the interviews usually dont suck.

I was watching Fallon last night and was super happy, the show’s in Indianapolis this week for the Superbowl (which I am super pumped about, I have a thing for the Patriots). They did the hilarious bit ‘Head Swap’ AND! TIM TEBOW was on!!!!  Its well known that I have a HUGE crush on TimTebow (you have to say it as one word) so I was happy. The TimTebow interview was the inspiration for this post. It was AWESOME! Instead of me just rambling on for why it rocked Im just gonna toss a list out there:

  1. He wore a suit…a well fitting suit
  2. He said ‘Sir’ and Thank You a dozen times
  3. He was gracious about the redonk cheering for him
  4. He talked about how he was flattered that ‘Tebowing’ had become a thing
  5. He made a jab at Jimmy Fallon (he called the Te-Bowie performance “pitchy”)
  6. He told a super sweet story about “Teebowing while Chemo-ing” (youtube it)
  7. He just LOOKED GOOD

So those are my 7 reasons for why TimTebow rocked on Fallon. After the interview I got to thinking about other althletes who were awesome interviews, and who were really bad. Heres a list of my top athlete interviews:

  1. Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints (NFL)
  2. Sidney Crosby of the Pitsburg Penguins (NHL)
  3. Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees (MLB)
  4. Tim Thomas of the Boston Bruins (NHL)
  5. Lance Armstrong (Former Pro Cyclist)
  6. Wayne Gretzky (Hockey Legend)
  7. Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos *as if Im not gonna say TimTebow*

I recomened YouTubing all of these guys, they are well spoken and represent there teams and their sports well. I will also say that I enjoy Todd Bertuzzi and Zedeno Chara press conferences, they make me smile.

until next time.

– be a river with me