the tide that left and never came back

i have a friend…lets call him Dean for now, and we have a bit of an odd relationship. We slept together the day we met and have made out a few times since then but nothing more serious then that. No one knows that we slept together though because one of us was in a relationship at the time.  So instead of anything more coming from that, we entered the “FZ”.

I wing-woman for him and lend him money when he needs it, he lets me hide at his place of business so no one can find me, he’s given me an open ended job offer that more then a few times ive wanted to take him up on. but we always stay just in that friends zone. which at the end of the day im ok with, i mean id rather be his friend then nothing at all to him.

I just am getting really sick of being in the zone with him, i mean hes a great guy, granted he does have his flaws, hes an ex-coke head whos a borderline alcholic who pisses away money. but who am i to judge? im a procrastinator who eats her feelings. what makes being in the ‘FZ’ with him even harder is the fact that I slept with his best friend not to long after he and I slept together, and have this weird relationship with his best friend (Archie, who I’ve mentioned before). Things between Archie and I are even more confusing then things with Dean, as Archie descirbed our realtionship, “We’re good friends who get naked for eachother”. Which is the better outcome then not having him in my world at all.

Archie and I get along so well, he calls me out on my bull shit and i do the same for him. He makes fun of me for being a Bruins fan who wears a Flames shirt every now and again (i own the shirt because i lived with 2 die-hard Flames fans this winter.) and i make fun of him for cheering for the Edmonton Oilers. We’re comfortable with eachother, but at the same time, so are Dean and I.

With Archie im the person i am right now, when im with Dean im the person i want to be. which may not make sence, but its true. im a better version of myself withDean or at least a little better. I dont think that Dean has seen me cry, which I tend to do quite frequently. Archie definitly has, but at the same time, I’ve seen Archie tear up a time or two.  i know neither of them see me the same way i see them and that stings, not gonna lie.

Why dont I diserve a shot with one of them? did i ruin it for myself by sleeping with them? did sleeping with them just put me on the fast track to the ‘FZ’? am i meant to be the eternal “funny girl whos a friend and only that…even though we hooked up once a million years ago?” maybe this is all because ive watched way to many rom-coms and have convinced my self that some day the good looking guy is gonna knock on my door and tell me that “im his exception” or have a great looking guy give me an impassioned speech about how much he loves me in the middle of some natural disaster.

anywhoozle. maybe im meant to be with one of them, maybe im not, but at least i have them in my world and we are friends.

until next time

– be a river with me.

* The Tide that left and never came back is the title of a Season 2 episode of One Tree Hill, and a song by The Veils. I picked it for this post because maybe the chance for having a romantic relationship with Dean or Archie is gone and wont come back a metaphoric tide if you will. *

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One thought on “the tide that left and never came back

  1. You deserve someone great! If you like one of them enough that you want to take it to the next level you have to tell them and risk losing them as a friend or stay in the friend zone forever. Men are pretty stupid, you need to lay it out on the line for them. Or get pregnant. You choice. Lol!!

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