I work in the food and beverage industry, were the sad fact is the better looking you are, the more money you make. Dean once told me “I only hire pretty girls that make me money” and in a burst of confidence I asked him if he would hire me, and he paused and said “yes, because you could make me money” and to this day i’m not sure how to take that.
As I’ve said before, I’m a plus sized woman, and being one in this industry makes it a little harder for me. So what I lack in “Babe-ness” i try to make up for in my personality, i can talk sports with the best of them, i’m a pop-culture genius and i make people laugh with my self deprecating humour. And you know what, i do pretty well.
Customers always laugh and like me but what they don’t know is that I self deprecate so people don’t laugh at me first, my unsung motto is “if i make fun of myself first it wont sting as much when other people do it” and it helps, it still stings when people are mean but less then it did before.
I constantly think that I’m not good enough. I know that I have the love of my family and friends and at the end of it all thats what matters. And people do tell me that I am good enough. But confidence is something thats an internal thing, i have to believe in myself and then I’ll start to believe people, but I still walk around everyday thinking that i’m not good enough.
Not good enough at my job, not good enough to have a man love me the way i think i deserve, not good enough for the people I love to come visit me from other parts of the world.
And quite frankly, that sucks.
I am working on being more confident, and being happy. And I’m doing better.
I dont know if I’ll ever have a super high confidence level but at least writing this is a step to being more honest with myself and start getting to a place where I do feel good enough.
until next time
– be a river with me