Good Enough??

I work in the food and beverage industry, were the sad fact is the better looking you are, the more money you make.  Dean once told me “I only hire pretty girls that make me money” and in a burst of confidence I asked him if he would hire me, and he paused and said “yes, because you could make me money” and to this day i’m not sure how to take that.

As I’ve said before, I’m a plus sized woman, and being one in this industry makes it a little harder for me. So what I lack in “Babe-ness” i try to make up for in my personality, i can talk sports with the best of them, i’m a pop-culture genius and i make people laugh with my self deprecating humour. And you know what, i do pretty well.

Customers always laugh and like me but what they don’t know is that I self deprecate so people don’t laugh at me first, my unsung motto is “if i make fun of myself first it wont sting as much when other people do it” and it helps, it still stings when people are mean but less then it did before.

I constantly think that I’m not good enough. I know that I have the love of my family and friends and at the end of it all thats what matters. And people do tell me that I am good enough. But confidence is something thats an internal thing, i have to believe in myself and then I’ll start to believe people, but I still walk around everyday thinking that i’m not good enough.

Not good enough at my job, not good enough to have a man love me the way i think i deserve, not good enough for the people I love to come visit me from other parts of the world.

And quite frankly, that sucks.

I am working on being more confident, and being happy. And I’m doing better.

I dont know if I’ll ever have a super high confidence level but at least writing this is a step to being more honest with myself and start getting to a place where I do feel good enough.

until next time

– be a river with me

 

The Kennedys.

I have a thing for the Kennedy family. I love them, I read whatever books I can get my hands on about them. Its the history nerd in me….

They are undeniably a fantastic family to follow, they came up from “poor” Irish roots, and became President, Senators, Congressmen, Activists, Ambassadors, Lawyers, Documentary Filmmakers, Writers, the list goes on and on.

In fact, a member of the Kennedy family held a seat in the House or the Senate from 1947-2011, and regained a seat in the November 2012 election (Joseph Kennedy the 3rd, Democrat-Mass), leaving them “seatless” from January 2011 until November 2012. THATS IT!! SINCE 1947 when JFK entered the House of Representatives.

Lately I’ve been thinking, what if the Kennedys had better luck? I’ve been re-reading some of the Kennedy books I have and the thought crossed my mind.

JFK wasn’t supposed to pass by the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas, they changed the route to make sure that as many people could see him as possible. – Would he have gone on to a second term and maybe changed the political landscape of the US?  Calmed Cuban relations finally, had more amazing ideas like the Peace Corps? Kept Teddy on a good path and maybe the road to the Presidency after Bobby? Quelled JFK Jr’s taste for adventure at a young age so he wouldn’t live to seek out the thrills that would eventually play a roll in his untimely death?

RFK wasn’t supposed to cut through the kitchen when he won the California primary, he was supposed to go through the main ball room.- Would he have brought “Green Initiatives” to the US doorstep years earlier? Would he have won against Nixon and made it so they were the 1st brothers to hold the office of President? Made even bigger strides in the fight against racism? If he’s hailed now as an icon of American Liberalism and a ‘noted Civil-Rights Activist’ what would we be saying about him if he got a few more years?

JFK Jr had a mess of things happen before his plane went down…-Would he have saved ‘George’ and develop it into a magazine that thrived  in a social media based society ? (we can all admit that the mag was a touch ahead of its time and would have made MILLIONS during the Kerry/Bush and Gore/Bush elections, not to mention the amazing effect it would have had on the 2 Obama campaigns) Maybe had some of the cutest kids ever with Carolyn and embraced reality tv so we would live in a Kardashian TV free world?  One could only dream. 

Who knows?

How different would the world be? Since JFK, there have been 8 presidents, 4 Dems (Johnson, Carter, Clinton and Obama), with Carter and Johnson not serving 2 terms, although Johnson did finish the remainder of Kennedy’s term, he was only elected President for one term.

Would the odds have shifted in favour of the Dems? Would the “Bush” dynasty even have happened? Just think of the ramifications of that train of thought, I mean seriously, take a minute and think of what the world would have been like in the past decade or so if the Bush’s hadn’t taken the helm at one point.

One things for sure, the SNL cast would have had way less fun during the GW time in office, and “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” would just seem like a crass statement rather then a comment that has since defined an otherwise fantastic Presidency.

What if….

At the same time, the US still ended up with an amazing President in charge right now and nothing but promising prospects for 2015,

until next time

– be a river with me

the lonesome road

CJ pointed out to me when she came to visit that I always live with attractive people. And I thought about it for like a second then it slipped my mind.

It came up again a few weeks ago when I listed my current roommates to someone from head office, and they said the same thing.

90% of the time I love the guys I live with, but that other 10% I hate that Im the “girl roommate” it puts me in instant “friend zone” and i HATE it! I live with 4 amazing guys who are all babes in there own ways. And I know nothing can or will ever happen with them and if I am being honest (and i usually am here). Yes I have slept with one of them, (Jack)  but that was YEARS before we lived together.

I’m the girl they live with, the one who watches the Y&R and tears up at Glee, but a part of me will always want them to see me as just a girl.

Its kind of like Dean and I, I know that were friends and I love that about us and I do love that I’m friends with Alan, Nick, JP and Jack… but it hurts that I’m always going to be in the FZ, never anything more than that. At least with Dean and Monty I got to have sex first and then go into FZ.

I dont want to be the perpetual friend, it sucks. But at the same time, this lonely heart has seen way to many RomComs to count myself out of the game… I mean if Ginnifer Goodwin can get the guy at the end of almost any movie she’s in than maybe theres still a glimmer of hope for me yet. or maybe I still need to work at  get my confidence/mojo back.

I did have a great moment of confidence at BettyLivin’s AMAZING wedding last month, I had a great time with one of the grooms men but just couldn’t close (wow that sounds crass) but who knows…maybe I need a few almost awesome moments before I get to where I’m supposed to be.

‘The Lonesome Road’ is the title of a Season 2 episode of One Tree Hill and a song by the late great Frank Sinatra, i feel that no explanation is needed for why I picked it for todays post

until next time

– be a river with me

Recipe- Beggars Purse ‘BARWM’ style

yes, BARWM is Be A River With Me, shortened.

when i first moved out West  I worked at a resort and they had this vegetarian entree called a baggers purse. It was this heavenly pocket of deliciousness…..

I have tried so hard to remember what was in it, but cant seem to remember all of the ingredients. I know it had sauteed onions and goat cheese in a golden brown Phylo Pastry. Other than that I just cant remember.

So…I made my own tonight, heres what you need for 2 grown up sized “purses”

Beggars Purses BARWM Style 

1 roll of pre-made crescent dough

1/2 cup mushrooms

1/4 cup spinach

1/2 cup cheese (your call on this one, I like Brie or Cheddar, make sure its something that melts nicely)

2 tbsp of cream cheese (I didn’t have any plain, so I used Philly Onion Chip Dip)

and a tea spoon of margarine or butter.

pre heat your oven to 35o and grease your pan

Take 2 triangles of the dough and make a square (pinch them together) then load on the stuff. I like going mushrooms, spinach, cheese and cream cheese. Than take 2 more pieces of the dough and top the base, pinch the sides, and make a “pocket”, rub a little margarine on top, peirce the top so some steam can get out, then repeat on the next one.

toss them in the oven for about 15 minutes or until golden brown.

then your all set!

Ways To Jack’em Up:  Add ANY veggie you like! Satuee them if your feeling crazy, add a differnt kind of cheese or several different types of cheese, sub ranch dressing for cream cheese, add some meat (pre-cooked)

Like all the recipes i post here, have FUN with it. Add what you like! Cooking should be an adventure, not a chore. Try new things, new flavours, new methods, you never know when you’ll find that dish of that becomes your signature dish.

until next time

– be a river with me

An Attempt To Tip The Scales

Diet is a dirty word,

but much like other dirty words, the older we get the more we tend to use it.

My body type is often described as the following: Plus Size, Curvy, Voluptuous, Soft, Real, Horizontally challenged and my personal favourite : “Just more for a Man to love”. So if you haven’t guesses yet, Im a size 16-18. (5’6″ and a nice sized “upper deck”). And most of the time I am ok with that.

I’ve cared about my weight since I can remember, I remember sitting with my cousins on their dock when I would have been 13 or 14 eating Sun Chips and looking at the label thinking “Maybe if I only eat a few, I can look like them”. That didn’t work. I was still the one with a one piece suit while they wore cute little bikinis that when I look back were borderline in appropriate. Anywhoozle.

I started my first real diet when I was a Junior in high school, it was a modified Atkins diet (Low carb essentially) and I felt great. My guy friends started telling me I look good. Then I got a job as a sports camp councillor and I was being paid to be active for 8 hours a day for 5 days a week. I started my senior year looking as good as I ever would in high school. I was tanned, blonde and in the neighbourhood of “in shape”

I kept it pretty much under control all through senior year, then came university. The freshman 15 turned into the freshman 30 pretty quickly for me, I didn’t diet again until mid-way through my Junior year of university. (seems like I have a thing for losing weight in the 3rd year of things)

That diet started by accident, I got super sick for a week (I’m sure it was Strep Throat) and couldn’t eat for a week. I survived mainly on Honey Lemon Tea, coffee and Chicken Broth. At the end of the week, one of my good friends at the time looked at me and we had this conversation:

Merhan: Keir you look great, what have you been doing?

Me: I’ve been sick and not eating

Merhan: Its working for you

Me: I havent ate something solid in a week

Merhan: Thats awesome! 

So I kept it up, and steadily lost weight for the rest of the school year (I was also hella poor and couldn’t afford to eat out or drink) Then I went home for the summer and my parents and I went on Weight Watchers together. I lost almost 45 pounds, my mom (small to begin with) lost 20 and my father lost almost 65. Again I started my senior year feeling great.

Since then I dieted off and on, nothing more serious then a month. Sometimes giving myself “challenges” to try to push myself to be healthier but they never seem to work after the challenge ends. I’ve gained and lost weight, never really keeping a constant weight. But sometimes thats how she goes.

When I came back East to see Springsteen this summer I decided to change some things, so when I went back I tried to be healthier, and was loosing a bit, my friend Salma commented a few times that I looked thinner. Since I’ve been back with my parents I’ve been trying to eat better, and I am happy to report that my pants are a bit looser and so are a few of my tops since I got here.

I think what I want is to just feel good again, to feel good in the clothes I have and not get depressed when I buy new ones. I want to feel pretty, I want guys to buy me a drink at the bar and make me feel pretty, I want to be able to borrow clothes from CJ and Salma, and I want to be more confident, and its on my shoulders to do that. No one else will stop me from eating the entire bag of chips, or adding gravy to my fries at work but myself.

When I go back, I’m going to make some changes to my eating habits and my life in general. But I’m not 100% sure what they are yet.

‘An Attempt to Tip the Scales’ is a season 3 episode of One Tree Hill and its a song by Bright Eyes. And its what I want to do, tip the scales in a good way, not a bad way.

so stay tuned

until next time

– be a river with me

The Smoker You Drink, the Player You Get

today i turn 25

when i was a freshman in university i had these great plans of what my life would be like at 25 and its not really where i wanted to be but i have to say, im super happy with where i am right now.

i wanted to be married, have a kid and be living in a bustling city (Boston was #1 choice)

i am currently- single, kid-less and living in a national park.

my life kinda rocks though, i live with 5 amazing guys who are hilarious and fun, my family is the greatest and most supportive, i have some of the best friends i could ever ask for, BettyLivin, Dean, Archie, CJ…all the people I talk about here are just the tip of the friends sword, i dont have any kids but am still kinda figuring out how to take care of my self let alone another human, i got promoted this month and now run the restarant and the cafe, i live at the base of 3 ginormous mountains.  and ive seen and done some amazing things over my 25 years; SPRINGSTEEN!!! (i dont think this will ever move from the number one spot of awesome things ive done or seen), friends getting married and starting families, I went to England on a solo 3 week trip, so many amazing live music shows, seen my NHL and NFL teams win championships, graduated university, felt loved by so many people it hurts sometimes.

i cant say im living the life i wished for when i was 19 but i can say with absolute certainty that i have a great life. I have so much love and passion in my life, something that i think alot of people in the world are missing out on.

in writing this i thought of the Denis Learys comedy album ‘No Cure for Cancer’. Theres this part where he talks about people complaining that their lives didnt end up where they thought it would be, heres an excerpt:

“God.. “I’m just not happy. I’m just not happy. I’m just not happy because my life didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.” Hey! Join the fucking club, ok!? I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Socks. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, allright?! “I’m not happy. I’m not happy.” Nobody’s happy, ok!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It’s a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That’s it, ok! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list! “

its a little harsh but you know what, so is Denis, and life.

so im gonna enjoy my cigarettes, eat my chocolate chip cookies and if karma lets me, im gonna enjoy the sexy times.

i was just reminded of a line from ‘Reality Bites’ that Ethan Hawke says that i loved so much i used part of it as my senior high school year book quote,

There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just a… a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know… a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle… and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

so im gonna start trying to enjoy life the way Ethan Hawke and Denis Leary say to,  enjoying the details and those small moments that make our days.

and, my yearbook quote was: “Take pleasure in the details, Rock on and always be humorous” well thats what it was supposed to say but it ended up being “Take pleasure int he details, Rock On and always be numorous” which really doesnt make sence but kinda does.

until next time.

– be a river with me

“The Smoker You Drink, the Player You Get” is an album by Joe Walsh and the title of a Season 8 episode of One Tree Hill